A Word or Two About Bullies: Building Social Capital
I was hoping to write a post about guilt and then shame as part of the series on the codes of negative emotions, but I wanted to write a bit more connected to the subject of hurt, specifically bullies.
I suspect that we have all had to deal with our fair share of bullies in life. In my case a lot of them appeared after I developed a lot of competence. I remember particularly when I became a school administrator , that people had this kind unspoken expectation that good administrators are mean and unfeeling, that you had to be tough to be successful. It never worked for me. I don’t think it ever worked for them either because toughness meant that they relied very heavily on using the threat of firing. It wasn’t like they were mentally tough. It was more like they were incompetent with solving problems faced by the organization or in helping people to grow into their roles. I think the old strategy was based on the idea that if you tell someone what they should do, that they are somehow going to be able to fully competent very soon into the work. And when they are not, they get fired. That is what tough management is. It is kind of like the absurd philosophy that we used to call tough love. It would have been more correct to say that it is incompetent management or incompetent parenting. The administrator was the one that needed firing not the kids.
The problem area for bullies is that they haven’t yet developed capacities to be competent in relationships. Because they are lacking in social abilities, they have a tendency to rely on power or intimidation to get what they want. Somewhere along the way the lack of relational closeness warped into power seeking, and when the use of power makes you feel good, it becomes an addiction, like taking a powerful drug, maybe even better.
To be effective in an organization the first step is always to build social capital. It is easier to get work done and to solve problems if there is a personal, positive, connection within the organization or group. And in that regard it is better to continually focus on what is going well rather than what is not working. I always had two questions in my mind in working with teachers. What is working in your class? And what is your biggest challenge or most difficult student? The first question tells them to keep doing what is giving results, while the second one zeroes in what is the priority for change. But you cannot use this approach if you do not have a connection with the person you are working with. You have to build rapport and trust mostly by focusing on the positive in the other person. Then they are willing to be vulnerable and let you know what is really happening. You have to make it safe for people to share what is really going on without being under threat all the time.
With bullies, so-called tough administration no one shares anything, and the problems remain elusive because no one is willing to share anything. The bully is the blamer and is often defensive when faced with criticism.
If you are being supervised by a bully-type, this is what you can do. It is not an easy solution, but it is very elegant. First of all you need to be aware that bullies do not have the ability to create social capital. Their methodology is more control-oriented, fear-based with a focus on punishment. They want recognition in the organization to be centered on them personally so that they can be considered the star and get an unfair share of the resources. What they always do is to leave space or leave a “hole” in their control where there is not much recognition to be gained. For instance, a school team or performance group brings a lot of recognition to a school because they play in public, but p.e. classes are invisible and do not matter much for entrance into universities. So the admin will attend to the school teams, but not to the p.e. classes. The p.e. classes represent the place where the bully admin does not want to go because it doesn’t give the bully recognition.
Bullies play the short game. They want results in the short term so that they can get recognized and have a lot resources flow to them. When you play the long game in areas that are open, and completely avoid conflict with the bully, then you are always going to win because the bully will go away. Bullies cannot play a long game. They can only play a short game. They weaken over time, because the strategy is so negative and doesn’t produce long term results.
If a bully fires you, then you can be pretty certain that you were on the right path. Sometimes it is just inevitable. If you stay on the right path, other opportunities will open in time. Going for justice with bullies is a tricky subject. It takes a certain amount of wisdom. Sometimes it is the right thing to do, and sometimes you just have to call it a day especially if the bully is connected to the people who are deciding on the justice.
For children parents, teachers, and administrators need to do everything in their power to protect the child from bullies. It is not the child’s responsible to deal with the bullies. It is the adult’s responsibility to make the environments safe for children.
Richard Hastings is an expert in change work and dream work and author of Dreams for Peace. He is a 
Dreams For Peace 
Very interesting post. I never considered lack of social skills and an inability to play the long game is what makes bullies the way they are.