So a few nights I had a surfing dream the details were not really that clear to me other than I was with my best friend growing up, we were at beach that was like the beaches of my childhood in southern California, and I loved being in the water waiting for the next wave. The dream was entirely positive.

Surfing is a metaphor for being on the cutting edge because it is where the world of the spirit, the ocean in this case, meets the material world. It is where positive ideas make there way into real-like applications. For the last couple of decades the cutting edge in the culture seems to have been centered in the world of technology. To be cutting edge has meant to be involved in the high tech world. But in this dream I am with my best friend growing up, which tells me that the new cutting edge is not in the high tech world like artificial intelligence or robotics. The cutting edge is in the area of human relationships, in the ability to get close to others. I am pretty sure that the Microsoft founder believed that technology was going to save the world, but it hasn’t. The new cutting edge is in the world of emotions and relating to others. Obviously when we get close to others and love each other as a planet, we will be “saved”. That is common sense.

Although closeness involves many capacities that are far more intricate than a computer chip, there are two that are good starting points. The first is the ability to see the positive in others and acknowledge them. It is fairly straightforward, but as most of the world has grown up in cultures that are focused on criticism and pointing out the negative, the ability to acknowledge positives can seem a bit strange when first starting to do it. It is also easier, for instance, if you are a politician, to point out the negatives in the other side, and for people to accept that the negative words spoken with conviction, can make it seem like the other guys are evil. When you begin to acknowledge the positive in another human being, like your children or your spouse, then an invisible connection happens. The doors of the positive energy open, and then you can more easily work together to achieve what you set out to do. When the focus is on the negative, when people are the enemies, there is very little cooperation.

For most people when they think back to who there favorite teacher was growing it or the best work environment, it was the teacher, leader who saw the best in them and then encouraged and demanded the best. The time periods when we are the least productive, and research bears this out, is when we are criticized and berated constantly. It turns out that far more is achieved when one’s positives are acknowledged. So the first cutting edge principle in human relations, seeing and acknowledging the positive, turns out to be very highly productive.

The second capacity for closeness, which requires a much higher degree of ability, is that of being able to sit with another person’s worst pain and then listen non-judgmentally. It requires many virtues like patience and calm, and it also rests on the belief that when people can be truthful about what is actually happening to them, they can begin to move past the pain. Pain sitting inside, unexpressed, leads to a lot of negative behavior. We are no longer living in a world where toughing it out works. It destroys families. I wish that I could go on further in the post about this ability. It is amazingly powerful. When judgement is taking out of the equation, the flourishing begins.

When we lost our daughter to a brain illness a few years ago, the pain and grief was indescribable. I am not sure that anything compares to it. What helped me the most is when others gave me the space to have my grief. I knew that I was going to be in a lot of grief for a long time and it would take time. Being non- judgmental with myself about how long it would take rather then burying it and trying to tough it out, helped the process, which still goes on, immensely. We can listen to each other’s pain and not rush their process for our own selfish reasons.

What is the barrier to closeness?

The biggest obstacle in the way of implementing the first two abilities is jealousy. If jealousy were to disappear overnight, the world would be a much more peaceful and harmonious place. Jealousy is the negative emotion that tries to protect and increase whatever unfair advantage you have. When jealousy strikes in your life, it is because you used to have an advantage, a place higher up the “ladder”, and now it is either being threatened or taken over completely. The destructive part of jealousy is that it makes you want to eliminate the threat, to pull back to a time when you were on top. Your mind goes into an “against them” mode where people are seen as enemies, rather than friends. Jealousy makes cooperation nearly impossible because it is very difficult to be in a process where things can be mutually beneficial if you see others as enemies. You pull in and protect, and commit negative actions towards others beginning with vicious criticism.

The first step in dealing with jealousy is to see ourselves as our own worst enemies, and then to let go of seeing others as evil. It can be a long difficult process. When love replaces jealousy, then the thriving really begins.

What is your jealousy? What advantage are you holding onto so that you don’t have to see the positive in others and work together?

How would your life change if you could be closer to everyone on the planet?