Before understanding the negative emotion of shame and what it is trying to wake up in us when we feel it, it is important to understand that shame is not guilt, even though people often confuse them in speech and in writing. Guilt, which I wrote about in a previous post, is the feeling you get when you are not living up to an unrealistic or incorrect standard that is usually set by someone else. It often takes you off your chosen path and shuts down your true inner guidance.

Shame is the emotion you feel when your inner, true self has been distorted in some substantial way. Who you truly are and who your ego presents you as are two completely different images. The shamed self is often small, usually weak, and can be disfigured as in the case of eating disorders. When you feel shame, it means that you need to see yourself in a positive light in the life situation you are in, but, instead, your distorted self is stimulated so that you act from it, rather than a better self. The message of shame is that you have work to do to get to the positive self that you truly are.

When you have guilt, it arises from the question of an outside source asking you why you are not doing much better. Shame doesn’t ask that kind of question. Shame originates from being regarded as lesser or of no importance or worthy of being mistreated. Who you are is of marginal value. When you see yourself as smaller than others or weaker or disfigured, then you know you are feeling shame. Almost everyone who has been abused or abandoned, or has been marginalized is going to have issues around shame.

When you feel shame and then it triggers the negative image which then makes you want to hide yourself, the first mantra that should come up to you is this. “This is not the real me. This is a distortion.” The real you is beautiful, loving, courageous, worthy and capable, among other things. Shame covers up the beautiful you, sees you as lesser, and then tries to get you to hide away.

I usually recommend that people think about simultaneously having two images of themselves when they first start dealing with shame. The first image is the distorted one, while the second is the positive, capable one. It is very useful to see how each self acts and which one is likely to be dominant and when. Try it.

Fully becoming your positive image may take help from outside people who have dealt with this kind of issue before especially is you have been traumatized by abuse or abandonment. It takes a lot of validation, which usually requires having a strong positive inner voice of encouragement inside to overcome the negative voices and negative behavior of the past. Imagine someone like Jackie Robinson, the famous baseball player who was the first African-American to play in the major leagues. He was constantly being regarded as lesser, but somewhere inside he had such an amazing image of himself and such a positive encouraging voice that he could perform at the highest level in spite of the negative environment. We all need to find our inner Jackie Robinson because there will be jealous people who will want us to be less than them.

Who is your inner Jackie Robinson? Who is the you that is truly capable?