Transformation and the Tendency to Use the Wrong Energy to Solve Your Current Life Situation
If you are a lawyer and you go into a courtroom to argue your case, you need the ability to show the judge or jury that you are right and that the other side is wrong. You may have to do endless hours of research and craft brilliant thoughts to get the desired result. If you are brilliant scientist or computer programmer, you need to have a strong mind that is capable of problem solving and long sequences of thought. If you work on a farm or in construction, you often need to put in intense physical labor that requires sticking to an outcome under great difficulties. If you are a surgeon or a dentist, you may have to be able to do very delicate and intricate work that requires great dexterity and flexibility in a dynamic situation. If you are an endurance athlete, you need the ability to keep going despite the pain you may be feeling in your body.
What happens to a lawyer or an endurance athlete or surgeon when they are no longer in their work space, when they shift from a work environment to more social environment like their family? What often happens is that the energy that made them so successful in the work environment, is the exact energy that makes them a major failure in their home life. Why is this? It should be painfully obvious, but many professionals and blue collar workers seriously make the mistake of using the same energy at home that they used at work. It is pretty obvious that parenting or your relationship with your spouse is going to go miserably downhill if the household becomes a courtroom or an operating theater.
Why do people do it? Why would a lawyer run the home like a courtroom? Lawyers are successful by clearly defining that the are right and the other side is wrong. However, we know that in a relationship being non-judgmental and compassionate are important energies to have for the thriving of closeness. It means that when lawyers leave the courtroom, they need to shift energy to a completely different side of the energy spectrum, which has neither right nor wrong. It is like being on one planet that has a certain type of gravity, and then suddenly finding yourself on one with a much different gravitational force. At one moment you are making a judgement and doing everything in your power to hold onto your argument, and then at the next you are being ask to have no judgement. Or what about engineers? They have to pay attention to great details so that they do not make mistakes. Their work, like an accountant, requires sorting for errors. So when they come home and parent as if they are an engineer or an account, they start looking for all of the things wrong in their children so that they can be corrected. It is not wonder that children of engineers often feel unloved. Parenting requires the ability to see the positives in others and nurture new abilities. It is not so much that children have weaknesses, but more that they have undeveloped capacities.
Lawyers can think that if you tell a child or a spouse that they are wrong and here is the evidence to prove it, that the child or spouse will suddenly want to change and do an instant transformation. What most often happens is that resentment builds up with the lawyer not being able to figure out what when wrong.
How then do you become more flexible with multiple energies available to you for various situations in life? The first step requires a measure of humility. Humility allows you feel perfectly at peace with not having already developed certain abilities. It recognizes that we all have infinite potentialities that are going to require the rest of this life and beyond to develop. We are, in other words, a constant work in process. Without humility you are left with feeling like you should have already developed abilities that you have never worked on before. Most people have difficulties in relational processes like being non-judgmental because it is not part of school curricula.
The second step, which is closely related to humility, is that life does not give you a choice about what to work on. You must surrender to the requirements of your life rather than arrogantly thinking you can choose to work on whatever you wish. Surrendering means that if you need to set clear boundaries with firmness because of the abusive nature of what is coming to you, then when you develop firmness, your life will thrive. If you do not surrender to its development, your life will just give you more difficulties of your own making.
A lawyer who is a parent must surrender to the process of developing nurturing abilities because that is what is going to make the family thrive. It will be uncomfortable. It will be filled with fear and anxiety and all kinds of challenges, but the rewards will far outshine the alternative.
Steps to developing the Uncomfortable energy.
- Find out what part of your life is in the most serious need of change.
- Make a commitment to learning about the new energies you need to be successful in that area.
- Start to get comfortable with the negative emotions that arise in the process of developing the new abilities.
- Think about the new area of developing like you would getting another degree from a university and then dive in.