Getting Out of Someone Else’s Nightmare 2: an NLP Procedure
In the last post I was writing about not being in someone else’s nightmare but being able to live in your best energy as if your life were a dream come true. In Neuro-linguistic programming we have some ways to help people out of this bind so I thought that I would write a procedure to do it.
When I am in someone else’s nightmare what I do is feel the negative feelings that they have. I seem to go straight to their feelings (kinesthetic internal negative). Then I plan a lot of what I do based upon their nightmare and what negative things that they might do. (visual construction of negative possibilities by the other). So I might avoid doing an activity because they might get mad or criticize it.
So as an example let’s say that the person was raised without a father because the father died when the person was an infant. This often thrusts a person into a leadership role at a young age and makes him feel really responsible, but in the process he sacrifices the quality of being playful because his mother is weakened by the death of her husband. What this means is that he grows up with a lot of responsibility, but doesn’t know how to let people make mistakes and learn from them because he doesn’t have playfulness.
When you live in his nightmare, you feel that when you make a mistake that you are going to get hammered for it, so then you become more cautious and watchful to protect yourself, which then dampens your energy. To get out of it you can step out of the nightmare by letting him have his feelings and seeing that the virtue he never developed was playfulness. Then you can live out of the energy inside yourself that he is repressing because you have what he needs, playfulness.
Here is another example. Suppose that the nightmare that a person is living is having to be perfect all the time so that people will give him recognition. When they do a function, they become so tense and obsessive and miserable with others, that you wonder where the joy is. The nightmare is perfectionism, but the virtue that wants to come out is creativity. So when you live in their nightmare, you feel like you have to be perfect because if you are not, they are going to be critical and angry. And then you avoid being very creative because creativity is usually messy in the initial stages. Your energy drains out of you as if someone pulled the plug in the sink.
When you step out of the nightmare, you feel the feeling inside of yourself of creativity and then start doing it. After awhile you invite them in because it is exactly what they need. It is pretty amazing that when you live in someone else’s nightmare that you get fearful and lose all of your energy, but when you step out of it and live in the right virtue, then you become their solution.
So here is another example for those of us who are slow. Suppose that someone’s nightmare is that their spouse dies or becomes very dysfunctional for a long period of time. This requires that they become both like the mother and father to the children and so they have to learn to be extremely responsible and sacrifice a lot of the things that they would like to do in order to take care of the family. When you live in their nightmare, you feel as though you have to walk on pins and needles or they will get really upset and lose it. They are living on the edge of their emotions so you have to be really careful around them. Instead of doing your own thing you are careful and do what they want you to do, which again is really draining.
When you step out of the nightmare, you realize that what you really want to do is something for yourself. But when you are in the nightmare, you can only be careful and do what they want. The nice thing is that when you do something for yourself like going skiing or surfing, that you feel great and that is exactly what they need because it energizes you to also be responsible again.
So the NLP procedure is this.
1. Identify the nightmare that you are living in and whose nightmare it is.
2. Feel the feelings that you feel when you are in their nightmare. (fear, anxiety, tension)
3. Identify what your mind does when your around them. (usually it acts with caution and avoidance)
4. Ask yourself what you would like to be doing more of if your were not in the nightmare. This is the virtue you need. (playfulness, creativity)
5. Feel the positive virtue inside of you and make a plan and do it.
6. When you have done the virtue, complete the cycle by inviting the other person into do the virtue. Because you are now the solution to the nightmare.
In a lot of NLP procedures you have to feel the positive and negative simultaneously and swish them, but in this procedure it is the living out of the energy that you already have that is important and then feeling it strongly and realizing that you can invite the other person into your world.
Thank you for this post. I think it’s really hard when there is a person you are really close to, it’s so hard to step out of their nightmare. You almost feel as if you are betraying them by doing so. Then there are other people whose nightmare you can get caught up in, but you only see them at work or once in awhile, so it’s a bit easier to see what is happening and what you need to do. I think I’m going to need to re-read this post a few times over the next few days to really let it sink in